Indian nicknames on a birthday invite…..


When the what’s app invitation arrived from our cousin known as Geetz,

The buzz had started and everyone spread the word by sending each other tweets.


As I trawled through the list of those who were invited,

I tried to decipher their full names as only nicknames had been cited.


I was highly amused by the names of Kiz and Niz,

It was almost as if I was playing scrabble or a game of articulate quiz.


I was intrigued by the name of a mysterious Mrs. O,

Which made me wonder, if should I stay or reconsider and simply go.


With a vow to party until the very end by someone called Jairish,

‘I wouldn’t miss it’ shouted out our cousin, who we all know as stunning Nish!


I finally recognised a name I knew of someone called Poo,

This is our Bollywood sister, so I didn’t have to ask the question, ‘who?’


As an RSVP arrived from a DJ called Gemini Sanj,

Someone else was planning their hair who everyone knows as Manj.


When I finally got told that Deetz meant Aditi,

An RSVP text came from a different relative who is known as Mrs. Shriti!


As the birthday wishes poured in from Sarita and Anita,

Pankaj Beri said ‘I will try to come but it all depends on my wife Rita!’


As Meenu and Manu ummed and arred about coming,

Aanip, Rishi and Susan’s apologies where quick and forthcoming.


Then finally I recognised the names of Chaya and Akash,

At which point I knew it would be a great party, as they are always on the lash!


Haresh Sood

Self induced male victims of nagging ! Conversations with male friends in relationships!


Shall we go out for a drink tomorrow night?

I can’t because I really don’t want her to have a fight.


Well if you like we can go on Sunday and watch the football game?

Not possible, otherwise I will be accused of leaving the kids and having no shame.


Ok, I will find out about tickets to see Cold Play and make an inquiry?

Sorry, you will have to speak to the Mrs. as she manages the family diary.


Never mind, we can always stay in and order some food,

I’ll let you know as it all depends on her daily mood.


No worries, on Saturday we could go and play a game of squash?

Impossible, as she said I must sort the dishwasher out; so the engineers coming from Bosch.


Oh well, from the fridge can I get us both a  beer?

Be careful, I think she will be home soon and could just appear.


Never mind, I will just put the news on and watch the television,

Sorry, no TV she says whilst the kids are doing their revision.


Bloody hell, does she have your remote control?

Oh no where is it, let’s find it, otherwise Ill be put on parole!


Haresh Sood

Mobile Phones….How not pull women!


Whilst you were busy on google maps looking at your phone,

It was great meeting a gorgeous women who told me her name was Joan.


And when you were telling your friends what you had eaten on your Snapchat,

It’s a shame you missed her hot friend, because she was waiting to have some chitchat.


I know you wanted to share some ideas with your colleagues on Pinterest,

But It’s a shame that she got bored and finally lost interest.


I appreciate you must use your account on Tumblr,

But I am saddened you missed a chance by being a complete fumbler.


Sorry I didn’t wait and realise you wanted to send a tweet,

I was too busy flirting with all these women and being swept off my feet,


I am glad you enjoyed checking us both in on Facebook?

But I preferred getting a number, so I later add it to my address book.


And whilst you were posting your pictures on Instagram,

I was talking to the beautiful lady with twin nephews with the colourful pram.


I know you enjoy forwarding every message you get on WhatsApp,

But I couldn’t resist smiling at the hot lady in the square with the blue trendy cap.


Oh of course, I know you want to also respond to the messages on viper,

So, I’ll just go and check out those women eyeing us up, who are getting a bit hyper.


And finally, I forgot you have always got the fall back of Tinder,

Although, your phone obsession may make women mistake you for being a Judge Rinder!


Haresh Sood

Telling someone ‘Your breath stinks !!!!’


It is not easy telling someone about their bad breath,

Especially beautiful women who have tried to give me the kiss of death!


But the more I have spoken to people all around the world,

The hair on my skin on many occasions has simply just curled!


I am surprised at how many people present themselves as being so clean,

However, one conversation illustrates they have no concept of oral hygiene!


Alcohol, smoking and coffee are not the only cause,

So why not take a minute to think and have an adequate pause.


If you don’t want to annoy me, please just stay hush,

Or use your common sense and go and use a tooth brush!


And it’s not just your teeth that cause that disgusting smell,

Clean your tongue, in the chemist you will find many types of oral gel.


You should floss, chew mints or use a mouth wash to have a rinse,

Because all I can smell is something includes a bit of mince!


It’s the first impression you create upon someone when you are speaking,

Do you want to be remembered as the one ‘whose breath was absolutely reeking’?


Don’t get defensive and tell me I have a sensitive nose,

I am sorry to tell you; the smell is just absolutely grose.


So, next time you come near me and make me feel sick,

Handling halitosis is not that difficult so don’t pretend to be thick!


Haresh Sood

A Call for Natural Women !!!!

bored-manDear ladies, please forgive me for my poetic pun,

But here is my warning if you are boring and unable to enjoy any fun.


If you want a quick marriage and for the oven a hot bun,

Just bear with me, whilst I get my coat and make a swift run!


Please don’t call me ‘babes’ or address me as your ‘hun,’

And do get rid of that fake tan as I can certainly see no sun.


Don’t be nosey to see if I have a daughter or a son,

Because inappropriate questions will only get you my shun,


By expressing your religion and rules like some sort of nun,

Let me check if the bar has a rifle so they can shoot me with a gun!


And thank you for telling me about your salary and all the degrees you have done,

I am more interested in you, rather than the accolades you have won!


If you can help it, can you please stop texting before your battery is outdone,

Because I don’t come twice, and your luck seems to have overun.


And please, order what you like and don’t keep saying ‘Oh I will end up weighing a tonne’,

Just be yourself, then I may be able to say ‘finally the night has actually begun’ …….


Haresh Sood



In Indian culture when you reach a certain age,

Being single and unmarried, has got to be the biggest outrage.


Gossip spreads that you are strange, gay or have a white lady to hide,

‘But don’t worry’ says an aunty, ‘we will take you India to find you the perfect bride’.


All the seniors will tell you how sad they feel about you being single,

Because the leftover women are all you can choose from now to simply mingle.


To keep the peace, I agree to meet the women and have a dinner date,

Before I know it, introductions are pouring in from South Africa right through to Kuwait.


I eagerly explore and check out the array of talent,

Soon I am told ‘wow you are so refreshing and extremely  gallant’


From having met some gorgeous women all over the world,

I am confined to straitened hair pre-Madonna’s whose hair is naturally curled.


I am introduced to divorcees and virgin spinsters who have never touched a man,

Followed by intoxicant addicts who are just coming out of rehab or on a recovery plan.


My aunt says ‘Haresh I know someone broad who is a such a  lovely girl,’

‘So just ignore the fact she enjoys samosa’s and occasionally a Cadbury’s twirl!


During the meal, there is usually a boring conversation,

And all I hear is a desire to be married with words of desperation.


So when they are too keen and want to get married so much,

It is that moment of the date you know it is best to simply just go Dutch!


Haresh Sood

Hypochondriac Attention Seekers !!!


I only asked to see how you were doing?

Instead you responded, ‘Don’t ask, I have every illness brewing.’


I came to share good news which we could have enjoyed together,

Instead you were too busy telling me ‘I am always under the weather’.


Your say your body and head is hurting and simply cannot cope,

So you take more painkillers as they provide you with the only hope.


I try and tell you to think positive as it seems like nothing serious,

I am met with hostility for suggesting you may be acting slightly delirious.


I tell you about a similar experience that I once overcame,

‘Oh, come on’ you say ‘this is worse than yours and definitely not the same.’


I draw your attention to patients in hospital fighting for their life,

You are now struggling to respond as the competition appears to be genuinely rife.


Every illness is exaggerated including the suspicion of a stroke,

Don’t do this, because everyone sees you a complete and utter laughing joke.


You focus on wanting to be ill and seek attention is causing you fatigue,

You are not ill compared to many and fortunate to be in a completely different league.


Why is it you always need the false sympathy and attention?

Do you know in conversations, you are always given a negative mention?


So, next time someone approaches you and asks how you are,

Respond with positivity and say ‘Fine thank you, I feel like a bright and shining star.’


Haresh Sood

Telling someone the truth about themselves is difficult so here is my poem on Self awareness !




It is difficult to make you  look in the mirror,

Because if you did, life would be so much clearer.


Around you, you have built a very high wall,

Anything I say is met with an unnecessary and defensive brawl.


You never want to talk and say everything is fine,

If only you faced the truth and had a bit of a spine.


Your behaviour and words have become so utterly rude,

Sadly friends are discarding you as you are so negatively viewed.


You want to always tell me that your view is simply right,

Just remove your ego, conceding will avoid an unnecessary fight.


It is fine to be encourage others and be positively critical,

But do you need to focus on the negative and always be so analytical?


As its famously been said ‘first take the plank out of your own eye,’

If you do, more people will come to you and say hello opposed to fairwell and goodbye.


Let people be and don’t mock, criticise or try and control,

From inside you will feel released with a fresh and free inner soul.


It is important to always keep a smile on your face,

You will attract one in return which is like the amazing grace.


So just remember you can improve your own mental health,

Then you will see what life brings other than just financial wealth.


Haresh Sood

The importance of giving….



The importance of giving


While pro bono work is a significant part of how the Bar gives back to society, over a third of barristers volunteer for charity work outside their profession. Haresh Sood inspires with some alternative ways of giving

We all see and hear of people doing charity runs, walks and triathlons for a number of causes, which is a valuable source of fundraising.

The message I would like to spread at the Bar, however, is that giving can come in many forms – donating blood, organs or hair, or helping someone get back on their feet. All these are alternative forms of giving and can yield great personal pleasure. We can get caught up in our daily working lives and materialism, sometimes forgetting those in need who are less fortunate in health or finances. ‘Giving yourself’ means spreading positive energy which, I believe, will always come back to you.

I come from a Hindu background in which helping others has always been promoted through various philosophies. This had an impact upon my thinking as I was growing up and during my school days in the early 90s, friends, family and I started to engage in charity work with a difference – we always felt a personal touch was very important when helping others and raising awareness. Haresh Sood Productions (HSP), a group of aspiring young musicians, actors and writers, was established to produce and direct theatre productions raising awareness of social, medical and charitable issues.

Over the years, the HSP team has raised over £10,000 and much needed publicity and awareness for various causes, such as Save the Children and the importance of its work educating and feeding children and shielding them from abuse. The team has also spread the word on the importance of healthy living in South Asian communities in conjunction with the British Heart Foundation, as these communities suffer from more heart-related conditions. We have helped the SNJ Trust in India and the UK with its work ensuring that diabetic girls – disregarded for being ‘only girls’ – get insulin. Other HSP projects have included rebuilding the lives of those affected by cancer, leukaemia and natural disasters such as in the Indian earthquake appeal. I spent four months working with children with epilepsy in a children’s hospital in New Delhi in India. This is a condition I also have, and I wanted to understand why treatment was not given to patients from villages. The support of various dignitaries and international celebrities, including actor and film director contacts made through my media and drama work, has assisted many projects. In 2004 at the age of 27, I was the youngest person invited to sit on Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth’s Unsung Heroes Judging Panel which awards people for their outstanding contribution for giving to others in alternative ways that rarely get heard about. Next year, HSP will mark 25 years of its work and plans to raise awareness of acid attacks and problems with the law on acid selling.

‘Giving yourself’ – real hair wigs

Before becoming a barrister I explored other career paths, including acting, and was often cast in roles which made use of my curly hair. During this time, one of my friends suggested I donate my hair for a wig and in 2007, HSP launched ‘Give Yourself’, a project which encouraged people to give more than just money and give something of themselves. We discovered the Little Princess Trust, which makes real hair wigs for children going through chemotherapy, and in 2010, after three years of growth, my first donation was made. In 2013, the second donation was made while teaching at the QMC Hospital School and now the third cut is pending. In court, I usually tie it back as we are a profession in which men don’t really have long hair. The comedy of it is that I have often been called ‘Miss Sood’ by judges who mistake me for a woman.

Contributor Haresh Sood, Derwent Chambers, Derby and a member of Counsel’s editorial board


Author details:

Haresh SoodHaresh is a barrister at Derwent Chambers, Derby practising in employment, regulatory and civil law including quasi criminal. He is a member of the Counsel editorial board.